it was the fall of 2006. physically i could hardly walk a mile hardly mow the lawn, with out gasping and wishing i could crawl. i could hardly sleep yet i was tired all the time. i was trying zoloft for depression, it wasn’t affecting me and i was drinking a bit much. i would read paper back fiction to escape.
then after consulting a close relative i went to a counselor. a group that deals specifically with sexual abuse and addictions. for two or three months. i laid it all out to him the good bad and ugly. it was the first time i told someone absolutely everything that was strangling my mind.
also at this time i went to my physician. treatment for back pain. i have spurs on two lower vertebrates. so i started physical therapy for this.
by the time january rolled around 2007 i was feeling good. i could exercise. we joined a gym and started doing a lot of working out. this was like a new begining. by the fall i lost 30 pounds and i could walk vigorously for miles, lift a lot of weights even play racket ball.
the ability to confess had a lot to do with my own personal doubts about myself. getting in-shape and rediscovering how to exercise lifted my physical look and feeling and diminished continual back pain.
being over 50 helps a bit to . stuff doesn’t matter any more. what people do or say isn’t as devaluing. knowing Jesus helps too. i know the worth and basic purpose of my existence and am confident caring and content.
Tags: journal
January 8, 2008 at 8:38 am
Hey Joel,
Thanks for being open with your sharing , As you well know I grappled with addiction to heroin, alcohol, and a few other substances .
I was sexually abused at the age of 4 , 5 and then again at 12 .. The only source I could turn to was Our Father in Heaven for many years .. Years later at 22 ? while drunk I was able to tell my sister Cindy.
Still the best healing I received and am receiving is from the Lord . There have been many levels to my healing.
Instead of the very shallow , empty representation of sex that is depicted in a myriad of forms (which always frightened me)here in America I’m being able to glimpse, feel at heart level the intended purpose that the Lord had and has in mind in regard to the union of a man and a woman I’m learning it’s much more expansive. I also understand now why many religions as well as Christianity talk of the Sacredness of it all.
I’m forever grateful to Him through His Grace He enables me to begin to glimpse within the heart a profound truth that otherwise would be impossible due to what happened , what I expierence along with growing up in America what I see and hear, the defining of a beautiful thing using stale or perverted forms like
1. biological anatomy dead words that lay lifeless on a page describing form and mechanical function but missing the depth.
2. Porn and it’s sub-sets bleeding into just about everywhere prime-time TV advertising ect.. distorts a natural desire to only lust that seeks to be satisfied, but delivers only lack. Leaving many women and men extremely confused .
3. Religion since forever has depicted it as something filthy, dirty and only for purposes of pro creation otherwise it’s a wicked sin or it’s just plain ignored altogether.
Each of the three have one little element of truth surrounded by a whole load of dung! We’ve become masters at shoveling sh**t LOL!!
Jesus is continually trying to teach me that slinging my dung will never work, never did and never will. He is adamant that I put away my shovel
and make use of my dung by planting flowers. “Better still” says He, “Use the shovel as a decorative lawn ornament for providing inspirational conversation about shovels having other uses. Life gets easier and every now and then I pick my shovel up to sling some dung but quickly realize it’s hard work with no gain and I quickly go back to owning my own dung and choosing flowers instead.
So I leave you with “God Bless Us All , pass the Ketch-Up and please leave the shovel on the lawn”!
Laura
January 31, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Hey, we need a new post!